My friend, C, told me last night that he was reconciling with his wife of 7 years. This is the wife who, about 2 years ago, cheated on him repeatedly and span a huge web of lies, thus completely tearing his heart into tiny little pieces and rendering him virtually useless to other women. He never stopped loving her and always wanted her back. Well, happy day, because 2 weeks ago, she told him over drinks that she was ready to get back together with him.
I'm still stunned. I said very little to him after he told me; I asked logical questions about trusting her again, what's changed in her, what'll be different this time around. However, I didn't say he was crazy. And I didn't tell him that if he did go back to her, things between us would be different. Different how? Different in the fact that I will let go of a small, crazy, persistent belief that one day he and I would end up together. Different in the fact that I can no longer list him as my emergency contact. Different in the fact that, while he has regained his hope of being with someone he wanted to end up with, I have lost my hope in the very same thing. By the way, he also told me that he wanted to grow old with her in the worst possible way. So, today I woke up and, not to sound melodramatic, but everything seems slightly askew - everything is really the same, but I feel like I'm walking around slightly sideways.
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You will not die alone!!
And for C, this may be exactly what he needs, tho not what he really will want...After being shattered by this woman, he has turned his grief into an ongoing idealization of a person, and "what could have been", that classically happens when a person is forced to grieve a sudden death...he had no warning for the end of his marriage, his idea of family, his idea of what the relationship is/was/could have been, so it was sudden death, a lack of control, keeping him stuck in the denial/bargaining stages, of an idealizing-type grief...
Now that he is "getting back" what he has been mourning, he may realize that he has been mourning a lot of things that just are not real, and can't be...in which case, he may never have been able to see that, or believe that, unless he was given a chance to live it again-- play out all the big what-if's in his head...
So, either he is right, and he will ultimately be happy, (in which case, despite why I know it is sad for you, at least maybe you will one day be able to be happy for him), or he is wrong, and this is the only way for him to see it (even if by being hurt all over again, but hopefully not)...after which, maybe he can grieve in a different, healthier way, and therefore be able to finally accept that loss, and move on to better things...(maybe you, or maybe you will have moved on, too...)
I know this is hard, but may be ultimately it is what you need, also, to have a different perspective on things, and to get to where you will be happiest one day (with, or without C)
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