Does it need definition?

What is cheating?

Last week, I had lunch with a guy pal of mine and, of course, we discussed the whole Spitzer-hooker thing. Then the conversation evolved/devolved into what cheating means: Is a blowjob cheating? What about phone sex? What about going to a strip club?

He had a very loose definition of cheating. He said sex with a third party involving emotions is definitely cheating, but here are things he said were either NOT cheating or was noncommittal about: hiring hookers, getting a handjob from a masseuse, phone sex with a third party, getting a lapdance, talking dirty with someone face-to-face.

And I felt like an old lady, because I was unable to say, flat-out, that X,Y, and Z is cheating or A,B, and C is cheating. I said, and still believe, that even holding hands (hear me out) with another person could be considered cheating, because cheating goes to your state of mind. I think that an act that would be a dealbreaker for some would be no big deal for others.

So what is cheating, to me? Ok, if I asked my boyfriend what he did last night, and he did something with another woman that he is afraid to tell or uncomfortable about telling me, then he cheated. Period. To me, the deciding factors are his state of mind, his intent in acting as he did, and whether he could reasonably have believed that he was keeping the loyalty and trust between us intact.

And, while the meaning of cheating is not black and white, the effect of cheating is, in my book. I cannot abide disloyalty. I know me, and if I stayed with someone who cheated on me, I would never be able to respect his decision-making capacity, and would always question his devotion, his word, his promises. I don't need my significant other to call me twice a day or always include me in activities with his friends, but what I do need, and will not bend on, is that he keep the promises he makes. And if or when there comes a point where he can't keep a promise, then he needs to tell me before he acts, so that at least I will have a valid decision to make in the relationship.

Blahblahblah.