Countdown

As of July 1, I will be unemployed. Here's what I have come up with so far as to what I will do with my time thereafter:

1. Fill up my "Drink It" board on Pinterest with tasty summer beverages.
2. Start my own family business: Finally set up that lemonade stand my girls have been bugging me about since they were 5.
3. "Like" every single post and comment from my FB friends.
4. Re-memorize the lyrics to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire."
5. Read all the books on my Kindle.
6. Self-medicate (see #1).

Fickle

So, dear Blog, I've been cheating on you with Facebook. Or FB, as I affectionately call him. FB was just so new and exciting - I felt ALIVE with FB. Sob. But I swear, I thought about you all the time. Ok, some of the time. I got addicted to FB; it's like crack for nerds (oh wait. that's Star Wars).

Anyway, I'm back. Don't be frightened.

Baby, it's cold in here

I've been accused of being "cold" by at least 3 guys I've dated in the past. I always snickered inside when I heard that, those little girly wimps. There's nothing wrong with being cold, if it means being able to figure out when it's time to end the relationship and move swiftly into and through the breakup. There's no reason whatsoever to dwell on the past; I've never been a mourner. Yes, I have regrets, but I cannot, will not, and do not revisit those regrets with "would'ves" and "should'ves." And because I don't mourn relationships, I don't get sad or angry or jealous. That's great. But I'm not sure I get deliriously, silly happy either. Maybe that notion of what is good existing only because of the existence of what is bad is true. Maybe God only exists because the devil exists (I hate this analogy, because I'm not sure there is a God, much less a devil, and even if both did exist, it still doesn't make God seem all that good all the time). Maybe the cool breeziness of autumn exists only because of the sweltering heat of summer. Maybe clean laundry exists only because you have to go through the horror of sorting, stain-removing, washing, drying, folding, and putting away.

I'll be 35 soon. What am I doing? Where am I going? What does friendship mean? What does trusting another human being entail? Where do I begin and my fears end?

Still no pills

Very, very soon, I need to revise my resume and send them to law firms. I can't start my own firm - I can barely keep up with the laundry. But then I start thinking about all those inspirational quotes that say stuff like "Never quit!" or "Don't allow 'can't' into your vocabulary!" and I feel like I should just take a risk and do it. Then I think about how I need to be able to hire a nanny this fall, so my kids don't become latchkey kids at age 8 and 10, and then I think it's just safer and wiser to work for someone else.

Another thing that's been on my mind is this whole blending of families thing. I've got my 2 girls; he's got his cat. I'm serious about the cat thing - it's a whole big issue. If we were to live together, I'm allergic to cats, so he's concerned about having to make a "choice". I'm sorry, but, Jesus Christ, I can't believe I'm competing with a cat. I understand he's had the cat for over 17 years, but to even have it be a choice is rather insulting to me. It's not like he'd have to get rid of the cat, just leave it at his mom's house. Once he compared his cat to my kids, and asked me if I'd be happy about making a choice about leaving my kids. I tried really, really hard not to laugh and also yell at him.

Manic stuff

I'm getting a little manic right now as I pack for PR. Just 10 minutes ago, I saw that I was wiping the kitchen floor with a paper towel. Also, every trashcan in the house has been emptied and all the laundry is done. When I'm done packing, I'm going to go through the house and unplug all the unused electrical appliances. And there is a note on the mailbox that indicates all overflow mail should go in the plastic box provided, directly under the mailbox.

I tried on my bathing suits today so I could steel myself to the horror. My ass looks hideous, more jiggly than I've ever seen it - ever. I know I'm my worst critic. And my critic says, "Work that ass OUT!" Blah.

I tucked my little girls into bed at my mom's house tonight, gave them big hugs and kisses, and told them I was going to PR to scope it out, so that we can all come together next time. I miss them already.

I need some sleep. That's what the beach is for...